


Come Hell or Holy Water

by lillyjayne25



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-16 15:41:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4630815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillyjayne25/pseuds/lillyjayne25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean receives a mysterious text from Cas the boys drop everything to make sure he's okay. But when they arrive in Oklahoma everything is not how it seems. Dean's world is turned upside down and he's forced to make the hardest choice of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean opened the door of the Impala, climbed out into the motel parking lot, and slammed it behind him. The hunt had gone all according to plan and now he just wanted his four hours in a vaguely comfortable bed.  
"Are we gonna talk about what happened back there?" Sam's voice startled him.  
"Yeah sure, let's go inside and paint each other's nails and have a good old gossip about our day." Dean rolled his eyes and threw his duffle over his shoulder.  
"Come on Dean stop being such a bitch. You took out all of those vampires with no regard for your own life. You should have let me help you."  
"Sammy I didn't need your help. It was a run of the mill ambush, I'm quite capable of looking after myself and your punk ass at the same time thank you very much."  
The two boys made their way to the front desk and checked in. There were of course the raised eyebrows and comments about their sexuality that seemed to come with the territory these days. Sam laughed and politely corrected the receptionist but Dean was in no mood to converse with strangers. He was still focused on crawling into bed and was desperately trying to push all thoughts of what Sam had said to the back of his head. Okay, maybe he should have worked alongside his brother instead of charging in all guns blazing and being adamant he could work on his own. It clearly upset Sam and didn't exactly make Dean feel like the hero he had thought it would. These days things were just different between him and his brother, there was no closeness anymore and he'd be lying if he said he didn't miss it. In all honesty Dean just didn't want to see anyone else get hurt.  
Sam got to the room just as Dean had crawled under his covers. Dean heard him sigh but made no attempt to start a conversation. The two had had a long ass week and couldn't wait to be back in Kansas away from the heat of the coast. It was Dean's first time in Florida and he hadn't wanted to spend that time hunting monsters. Sam had been before, with Jess when they were in college so was much less excited. Dean had tried to bury that excitement and pretend he didn't want to go to Disney World but it was getting harder, especially as they were leaving the next day. Dean waited until he could hear Sam snoring and checked his phone. It was only 5pm but they'd been awake for three days and clearly needed the rest. As Dean clicked unlock he noticed he had a message from Cas.  
10421 E Hefner Rd, Jones, OK  
Come asap  
C x

"God dammit Cas you dick." Dean muttered to himself. 

"Hmhm what?" Sam sat up and rubbed his eyes. "What's going on?"

"Got an address from Cas. Looks like we're hauling ass to Oklahoma." Dean pulled a shirt over his head and started throwing things into a bag. 

"Dude that's a twelve hundred mile drive. You can't make that on an hour's sleep."

"All the more reason to leave now. We'll switch when we hit Arkansas." Dean said, knowing full well he'd be at the wheel for the whole length of the journey. When Cas needed them to be somewhere he couldn't sleep until he'd seen the angel safe and sound with his own eyes. 

***

They'd been driving for five hours when Sam finally fell asleep and stopped moaning at Dean for driving exhausted. He was starting to worry now, not that he'd have told Sam even if he had been awake. Cas rarely texted Dean, he'd usually call and explain why he needed the boys to drive for eighteen hours to meet him. Why couldn't he have come to them? Why did he give them an address of an abandoned lot in Oklahoma? (Sammy had made sure to look up the address before they left.) Why did he type a kiss after his name? Dean had to grip the steering wheel tighter to steady himself when he started thinking about that. Nothing about this situation screamed Castiel, in fact it was setting off all sorts of alarm bells in Dean's head. He decided that the only thing he could do to put his mind at rest would be to call Cas. 

"I don't understand, why do you want me to say my name?" 

"Jesus Cas answer your phone. Or at least change your goddamn voicemail." Dean said, stuffing his phone back into his jacket pocket.

After a few more hours Dean called him twice more, only to reach voicemail on both occasions. It was clear that he was starting to get stressed now and beginning to think about waking Sammy up so he could take over driving. They had been on the road for thirteen hours and even Dean wasn't going to be able to keep his eyes open for much longer. They had just driven through Little Rock and were an hour ahead of schedule so it seemed about time they make a pit stop. 

"Sammy...hey Sam we're stopped. You want anything?"

"More sleep." Sam managed to croak from his uncomfortable looking position in the passenger seat.

"Dude what the hell you've been out for eight hours." Dean checked his watched and realised how long he himself had been without sleep. 

"I'm making up for all the years of sleepless nights. Fight me." Sam groaned and rolled onto his other side away so that he was facing the window. Dean decided he had a point and left his brother in the car as he made his way to a Gas-n-Sip. 

Dean picked up two candy bars, gum, two bottles of root beer and a packet of menthols. Sam was going to kill him if he smelt smoke, but that's what the gum was for. He paid the cashier and stepped outside. It was just gone 5pm and the sun was starting to set over Little Rock. Dean had always loved November; the fact that it got dark early, the need for sweaters and being able to see your breath outside even in the middle of the day. He pulled one cigarette from the packet, took a long drag and leant back against the wall of the Gas-N-Sip. It had been a long time since he'd smoked and the nicotine hit him hard. Dean was eager to get back to the car, they were roughly four hours away from Jones but they'd been making good time so he was thinking he may be able to get to Cas in three tops. Dean pulled out his phone but there was still no word from the angel. He groaned and slipped it back into his jacket pocket and pulled the collar tighter around him, it was freezing even for the time of year. After finishing his smoke he made his way back to the Impala and his still sleeping little brother. 

Sam stirred as Dean slid down onto the driver's seat and turned the key in the ignition. 

"Where are we?" Sam sat up and took the candy bar and soda that Dean had left in the middle of the seat next to him.

"Just leaving Little Rock. We should be in Henryetta in the next couple hours all being well. We're an hour ahead of schedule but the roads are a nightmare this time of evening." Dean turned onto the highway and stuffed a stick of gum into his mouth as Sam was starting to wrinkle his nose and glance suspiciously at Dean. He cracked the window, tried his best to keep his eyes on the road and, more importantly, open. 

***

"So get this" Sam began, clearing his throat, "The abandoned lot that Cas sent as an address is up for sale." He turned the phone screen so that Dean could see. 

"Yeah, so?"

"So that means it will have been surveyed and checked over by the estate agents right? Now if they found anything that might be our deal there'd be reports. But I've checked the Jones databases and put in a couple calls to some friends in Oklahoma and they haven't heard anything." 

"When the hell did you find the time to do that?" Dean frowned as he took a swig of the now warm root beer. 

"When you were smoking at the gas station." Sam flashed a knowing look in Dean's direction and then went back to his phone. "So that means there's nothing out of the ordinary at the lot. Also the last time we heard from Cas, before the text, was when we got to Orlando the day before yesterday, and he was in Tucson. He had to have been in Jones before he sent the message so how the hell did he get there from Arizona so fast without a car and no grace?"

Dean had to rub his head where a headache was starting to form. He mulled over Sam's words and where he could piece things together they made a lot of sense. 

"Jesus Sam you did all this when I stopped for gas?" Dean frowned and tried to think of a response. 

"Yeah I figured it wasn't making a lot of sense." Sam put his phone down and sighed. 

"What is it Sam?"

"Well you're not going to like this next bit." He shifted uncomfortably on the leather upholstery. 

"Spit it out." Dean snapped. 

"Well did it read like a text from Cas? I mean we know he usually calls but when he does text he doesn't usually leave a name. He changes his phone so regularly we can't keep up with his number which is why he would call. And..well..there's the ending of the text to consider too."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Dean could feel his cheeks beginning to burn. 

"He left a kiss dude. When has he ever done that? I could be wrong but something about this doesn't feel right." Sam sighed. "Have you tried calling him?" 

"I called the last number I had for him and it went straight to voicemail." There were tears beginning to form in Dean's eyes but he furiously blinked them away.

"Well I tried the number he texted you from and it's out of service. It's not like Cas not to answer his phone." 

"I'm sure he's fine dude look we'll be there in a few hours. How about I pull in here and you drive the rest of the way. I could do with a few hours shut eye." 

Dean pulled over and immediately slid into the passenger seat. The second he closed his eyes he fell into a nightmare ridden sleep. All he could think about was Cas. _Please man, be safe._


	2. Chapter 2

"Dean wake up, we're here." 

Sam shook his brother awake before climbing out of the Impala. 

"Already? Nice work." Dean got up and followed his brother out of the car. He checked his watch. Sam had made it to Jones in four hours. It was nine pm and totally pitch black outside. Dean fought the urge to pull a cigarette out of his pocket, knowing that Sam would give him hell for it. 

The two looked around but there was no sign of Cas. 

"Maybe we should just go in?" Sam asked, pulling the demon knife from his belt. 

"Yeah I think that's best, what's the worst that could happen." Dean grinned and took out his gun. The two nodded at each other and slowly made their way to the abandoned building. 

Dean's heart was beating ten to the dozen as he pushed the door open and stepped inside what was essentially just a disused storage lot in the middle of nowhere. It was silent and it seemed like Sam was right; there wasn't anything here that could be a case. Sam dropped the knife to his side and relaxed, whilst Dean kept the gun raised; still not convinced things were safe. He looked over at his brother and mouthed Where's Cas?

"Dean?" 

A small voice came from the back of the building and the boys immediately turned to face the direction it came from.

"Cas?" Dean called and took a few steps forward. 

"No...I'm sorry Dean. It's me." 

A small dark haired figure stepped out into the centre of the room and Dean barely noticed as his gun fell to the floor. 

"Lisa?" He ran towards her and pulled her into a hug. "I thought I'd never see you again." Dean was no longer afraid or bothered about the twelve hundred mile drive. 

"So you're the one that texted Dean?" Sam asked, knife still in hand. "How did you know that number?" 

"Well I got it from Cas. He saw me out in Arizona a few weeks ago on vacation with Ben and gave us our memories back. I don't know why but I'm so thankful that he did. I asked if I could reach you and he gave me your number. I figured I'd make it look like an emergency and then you'd actually want to come and see me." Lisa was beaming from ear to ear and Dean had forgotten how beautiful she looked when she smiled. 

"It's so good to see you." Dean smiled, hardly able to believe that Lisa was standing in front of him again, after all this time. "So where's Ben?" 

"Yeah I'm surprised to see you here without him." Sam frowned, his whole body was tense. Clearly he wasn't at all comfortable with the situation unfolding before him. 

"He's at his Dad's house." 

Dean visibly winced. 

"Oh okay. And where's that? We can go and see him." Dean was desperate to see the kid who had become a son to him, understandably so, and wasn't thinking about sleep or how long it might take to get to him. 

"Here, Jones Oklahoma. We just bought this lot and we're going to do it up and make a nice home for the three of us." Lisa's smile fell a little, which caused Sam to shoot a confused look at Dean. 

"Oh." Dean suddenly seemed pissed. "Then why did you text me? If you're building a life with this new guy then why me, why now Lisa?" 

"I wanted to see you again. To thank you for what you did for us all those years ago. Castiel explained what happened and I just had to see you again." Lisa was stammering as she spoke. Every word out of her mouth felt like a lie. 

"Right well that's awesome. Thank you for that. You can go back to your new life now. I appreciate the fact you made me drive for a day and a half to get here just to let me know you're playing happy families." Dean's fists clenched by his sides and he turned to walk away. 

"Come on Dean...it's Ben's Dad, he deserves a father and a good home."

"ARE YOU SAYING I WASN'T A GOOD FATHER?" He screamed at her. 

"Dean come on calm down." Sam took a few steps towards him but came to a halt when he saw the expression on his brother's face. There was no reasoning with him. 

"No Sam. Listen to me Lisa I was a damn good father to Ben. Hell, for a second I thought he might even be my kid. But you know what as long as he's happy that's just fine, hell maybe this guy will do a better job than me."

"Dean please..." Lisa's tears were coming thick and fast now

"At least then he'll have one parent who gives a shit about him."

Silence fell in the room. Sam gasped, Dean clenched his jaw and Lisa's body fell limp. 

"Dean...take that back dude come on." Sam walked over to Dean and rested his hand on his shoulder. 

"No. She never loved him like I did and you know what Lisa, you can go straight to hell. I wish you never got your memories back. I spent so long hating Cas for taking them away and forcing me to walk away from you but you know what? He did the right thing." Dean's voice was shaking, barely a whisper now. "You go back to your apple pie life and I'll go back to mine. I worked so hard to rebuild my life after losing you and Ben. It may not be perfect but we're working on it the best we can." 

Dean shrugged off Sam's hand and began to walk away. 

"Dean please don't do this please." Lisa started to walk after them but Sam glanced back at her and shook his head. 

"Let's check into a motel Sam I'm exhausted. We'll call Cas in the morning." Dean sighed and picked up his gun from where it had fallen. 

"BEN IS YOURS DEAN PLEASE." 

Dean turned on his heel, facing Lisa once more. 

"Oh no. No sweetheart you don't get to lie to me anymore. I would do anything for that kid and sure, maybe I once would have done anything for you but not this time. You made your peace with a new man and a new family. Leave me out of this. Don't contact me again." Dean turned and continued walking towards the door. With his back to her, but loud enough for Lisa to hear he said: "And I'll be sure to tell Cas that if he ever sees you again to take back those memories. You don't need them." 

*****

After a long night in a shady motel Dean felt rested, more rested than he had in a long time. It was six in the morning and they were still in Oklahoma. Sammy was up and out on a supply run so Dean thought this would be the best time to try and get in touch with Cas. As he reached for his phone it started to ring. 

"Cas I was just about to call you." 

"Hello Dean." Cas replied, not sounding like himself.

"How are you man?" 

"I've been better Dean. How are you and Lisa?" 

Dean's heart skipped a beat. 

"Cas can we not talk about Lisa?"

"I thought you'd be happy Dean. I thought she was what you wanted." Cas sounded on the verge of tears and to be honest, it was starting to scare Dean.

"Like I said dude, not ready to talk about it. So where are you? We're heading back to Kansas in a few hours, are you meeting us there?" 

"Not exactly Dean. I wish to speak with you in private. Meet me outside your motel."

With that Cas hung up the phone. Dean sat on the edge of his bed with the phone still pressed to his ear. He was confused and worried as hell about the angel. After what felt like an eternity, he found the strength to get up and walk to the door, wondering if he should leave Sam a message and let him know what was going on. In the end he decided he'd just call him when he'd spoken to Cas. Sam wouldn't be back for hours, the nearest town with decent stores was at least an hour away. Dean stepped out into the bitter Oklahoma air and sure enough, Cas was already there. 

"Dude what the hell. Last we heard you had no grace, how are you here?" Dean was pleased to see his friend but more concerned about the circumstances of his visit. 

"Not here." Cas touched his hand to the side of Dean's face and instantly the parking lot around them disappeared and they were standing in some woodland that Dean didn't recognise. "This will do fine."

"So are you going to explain why you weren't answering your phone? Or why you sent us to Lisa? Or why you magically have your mojo back?" Dean was speaking so fast he was sure Cas couldn't understand a word. 

"I had business to attend to Dean. My grace was returned to me by heaven and as for Lisa...she wasn't completely truthful." Cas sat down on the exposed roots of a large tree and Dean immediately followed suit. "I sought her out to give her back her memories so that she may find you. I thought the two of you could be very happy together."

"And why the hell would you think that? After all these years Cas you should know I've moved on." Dean could once again feel the heat in his cheeks rising, surely the blushing must be obvious.

"Now that the war is over, the angels have returned to heaven and the demons to hell, there is no more work to be done Dean. There are hunters going after the last remaining monsters on Earth and then no more." Cas looked up at Dean for the first time since he had arrived. "You can have your normal life and I thought being with Lisa was what you wanted."

"Wait so there's no more hunting?" Dean was almost upset to hear this news. He couldn't remember his life before it became consumed by staying in cheap motels and committing credit card fraud just to live day to day. "What are we supposed to do?"

"Well you were supposed to live with Lisa and Ben." Cas looked away from Dean again, a pained expression on his face. 

"Well that ship sailed a long time ago. I had my shot at happiness with her. I have you and Sam now, and Claire. Not to mention Donna and Jody. I have all the frien- all the family I need. You didn't need to do that Cas." 

"There's something else Dean." Cas took a deep breath and Dean wondered if angels really needed to do that or if it was just for show. "The angels have returned to heaven...and I must go with them."


	3. Chapter 3

"What are you talking about Cas? You can't leave." Dean was trying to sound angry but instead what came out was a weak petition. 

"The gate will soon be sealing and I must return. Once it has closed if I remain on Earth I may never go back to heaven. But if I do go...Dean I will never return to Earth." Cas lowered his head, now unable to look at Dean. 

"That's insane Cas I mean...we'll never see you again." Dean was on the brink of tears. "How long do you have." He whispered, reaching for a cigarette to stop his hands from shaking and give himself something, anything, to focus on. 

"Until tomorrow." 

Dean visibly winced. Twenty four hours wasn't long enough, he needed more time. Hell, he needed an eternity. That was when it dawned on Dean; even a forever with Castiel wouldn't be long enough. 

"So that's it then, you're going?" Dean lit his cigarette and took several drags before blowing the smoke into tiny rings in the cold air around him. 

"I suppose that would be best." Cas sighed. "But there is something I must ask you Dean."

Cas started to turn the smoke rings into the most wonderful shapes Dean had ever seen; some were shaped like the head of Mickey Mouse, others took the form of Cinderella's castle. 

"Sure Cas, anything." 

"I have one day left on your planet. And there's somewhere I want to go...a place I want you to show me." He looked once more into the green eyes he had grown to love and feel so safe around over the last seven years. "Can we go to Disney World?"

Dean almost laughed but seeing the sincerity and sadness in Cas' ocean eyes stopped him. 

"Of course we can Cas...of course." 

***

"Where the hell have you been?" Sam got to his feet and started towards Dean as he got back to the motel. 

"No time to argue Sammy. I need to get changed, I'm going out with Cas." Dean walked straight past his brother, grabbing a pile of clothes from the bed and making a beeline for the bathroom. 

"So you spoke to him? How is he?" Sam's tone switched to one of genuine concern. 

Dean stopped dead, his hand outstretched towards the handle of the bathroom door. How the hell was he going to break this news to Sam? He couldn't lie, Sam cared about Cas too but taking time to explain meant more precious minutes of Cas' last day on Earth were ticking away. 

"Don't get mad. We're going to Florida." Dean looked his brother straight in the eye, his brother who was now frowning and folding his arms, waiting for further explanation. "Look, he has to go back to heaven tomorrow. The war's over Sammy, everything is going to be okay. But Cas wants to spend his last day on Earth at Disney World. Go figure." Dean chuckled but the threat of tears was now all too real. 

Instead of getting angry as Dean had expected, Sam walked towards his brother and pulled him into a hug. 

"Have a great day with him." 

Dean mumbled a confused thanks and then finally got changed. Five minutes later he emerged from the bathroom, clean shaven and wearing a smart, blue plaid shirt, some new jeans that he'd picked up at a store in Orlando and his brown boots. 

"How do I look?" Dean asked

"Why does it matter?" Sam smirked, looking up at Dean and raising one eyebrow.

"Shut up dude." Dean blushed bright red and tried to hide his face as he shoved his phone, keys and cigarettes into his pockets. 

"I'm kidding, you look great." Sam laughed and got up to see his brother out. Just as Dean reached the door Sam spoke again. "Oh one more thing Dean."

"Yeah what is it?" Dean glanced over his shoulder at his brother. 

"Don't be an idiot this time yeah?" 

Dean nodded and left the room. Suddenly his heart felt heavy and his eyes began to water. 

*******

Cas and Dean appeared in the middle of Magic Kingdom and no one seemed surprised at all by their sudden arrival. Dean asked about this and couldn't have dreamed of a better answer. 

"Disney is a place of magic Dean." 

Cas said it with such sincerity and absolute conviction that Dean couldn't help but double over laughing. 

"Hell, already I'm beginning to believe what they say about this place." Dean managed to force the words out amidst his uncontrollable laughter. 

"And what's that?" Cas asked, tilting his head to one side as he always did when confused. Like a puppy Dean had always thought to himself. 

"It's the happiest place on Earth." 

The pair made their way down Main Street USA which was fairly quiet. November wasn't too busy a time of year for the theme parks so they wouldn't have to queue for long. This made Dean spectacularly happy as he wanted to go on as much as possible. 

"So I'm thinking we do Space Mountain and then oh yeah! We can do Pirates of the Caribbean and then Thunder Mountain and maybe go on the steam boat. We could even go and explore-"

Cas let Dean talk, enjoying seeing him so happy and excited. He was thinking about what it must be like for the people around him; experiencing this place with their young children all so full of excitement and intrigue. That was what it was like watching Dean, he was so happy. Castiel couldn't remember a time Dean had ever looked this happy. Usually, if at all, it was for a few moments when he was able to get wrapped up in a TV show or a good book. But even Cas, who had seen every moment of Dean's life in stunning Technicolor was struggling to remember ever seeing him wearing a smile as big as the one on his face today. 

"Is there anything you want to do Cas?" Dean asked at last, after reeling off the name of every ride in the park. Not that Cas minded, if anything he never wanted to stop listening to Dean. 

"There is one thing. But it can wait."

"Cas, if there's one thing we don't have, it's time..." Dean's voice cracked. "What is it?"

"Can we watch the fireworks?" Cas asked, speaking so quietly he was unsure if Dean could even hear him. 

"Of course we can Cas. I'd love that." 

Dean led Cas to an amazing smelling popcorn stand. He bought a bucket to share and two large sodas. He then found a spot by the lake that was fairly quiet and out of the burning sun. 

"I know you can't really taste this stuff but...I thought it was a vital part of the experience, y'know, eating overpriced Disney food." Dean smiled and started digging in. 

"I still enjoy eating Dean. I can taste the flavours if I concentrate on them." Cas stuck his hand into the popcorn and started eating. "In fact, this is delicious. Thank you Dean."

"No worries buddy." Dean stuffed more popcorn into his mouth and lay back on the grass. "I never expected to be doing this today." 

"Neither did I." Cas half smiled. "Can I tell you something Dean?" He asked, turning to face his friend. 

"Sure, anything." 

"I'm glad it's you I'm spending my last day with." 

"I'm glad too Cas." Dean smiled but there were tears in his eyes. "I mean...I could never be glad you have to see a last day but...man I'm glad you're spending it with me." 

"We still have so much to do, what about all those things you said. Those rides-"

"Cas..." Dean said, cutting him off. 

"Yes Dean?"

"There's something you should know."

"What is it?"

Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 

"Family don't end with blood...and it won't end with you going away either. Just because you're going back to heaven doesn't mean you're not a part of this family." A single tear made its way down Dean's cheek. "My God am I going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too Dean." Cas said, reaching out and touching Dean's hand; both men now looking at each other through tear filled eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this genuinely difficult to write...I hope I did this scene justice

Cas and Dean spent the rest of their afternoon on the go karts, spinning in tea cups until even Cas felt nauseous, and riding on It's A Small World. Despite how much Dean hated the song he knew it made Cas happy, so he smiled and sang along. As night began to fall over the park Dean lead Cas to a spot in front of the castle so that they could watch the fireworks. Main Street was starting to fill up with parents and kids, friends and lovers. The countdown began but Cas wasn't looking at the sky, he was looking at Dean. He had everything he needed in those eyes and his last day on Earth could have been spent on a sofa in a rundown motel and it wouldn't have mattered; as long as he had been with Dean.  
The fireworks started to go off and Cas realised he was wrong about Dean's smile. This was the biggest and brightest he had ever seen it. Dean turned to smile at Cas but there was so much sadness still etched all over his face. The tracks from the afternoon's tears were still prominent down his cheeks. Cas felt a pang of regret, it was too cruel a thing to do, to ask Dean to be with him like this. They were getting too close, as they always had, and it just wasn't fair. Not now that Castiel was leaving. 

"Enjoying the fireworks?" Dean shouted over the roar of the crowds surrounding them. 

"I love them." Cas shouted back, forcing a smile. 

Dean felt something happen then that he had never previously experienced. There was a tightness in his chest and a spinning feeling in his head. He remembered his brother's words about not being an idiot this time around. As the second set of fireworks filled up the sky above them Dean dropped his hand to his side and slipped it through Cas's. Cas looked up at Dean and smiled before leaning in and resting his head upon his shoulder. They stood comfortably in silence just watching the display for what must have been an hour before Dean spoke. 

"Cas there's something I have to tell you." He shouted

"Okay." He held on tighter to Dean 

"I don't want you to go. I've been lying to myself for so long and I realised, in a church of all places, last year that there are feelings..I want to experience differently than I have before. Feelings I've kept buried for so long. Feelings that I have...well...for you Cas." Dean looked deep into the angel's eyes and smiled. It sent a shiver through Cas' spine. 

"Dean I.."

"No I need to get this out." Dean cleared his throat. "I always thought I could ignore it, get on with my life. Save people, hunt things, you know, the way me and Sammy always have. But then I met you and I realised...my life meant so much more. God sent an angel to watch over me. You always come when I call even when it means putting yourself in danger." 

The fireworks had stopped and the crowds began to disappear but Dean and Cas stayed right where they were; oblivious to the fact they were the only people left on main street. 

"Dean please.."

"You let me believe I'd failed to save you in purgatory because you knew I couldn't bear the thought that you'd given up trying to save yourself. You rebelled, you fell from grace Cas." Dean wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was crying anymore. "You lost everything but no matter what, you kept coming back. Even after I lied to you, after I left you to die and turned my back on you. You never once let me down." Dean took a step towards Cas, still gripping on to his hand. "And now all that's left to say is..."

"Don't Dean no please..." Cas began to cry silently as he looked up at Dean. 

"I love you..." 

Dean leant forwards and kissed Cas. The lips he had been waiting to kiss for so long were even softer than he'd expected. He'd played out this scenario over a thousand times in his mind but this kiss...the feeling of Cas' lips against his...was more wonderful than he could have ever imagined. The firework display over the castle paled in comparison to the fireworks Dean could see when their bodies collided. Cas gripped Dean's arm where his handprint still remained, even after all these years. Dean kissed him like his life depended on it and he never wanted that feeling to end. They just seemed to fit together so perfectly and neither man could believe they'd waited so long. 

After what felt like a decade to Dean, Castiel pulled away and rested his forehead against Dean's. Both panting for breath they kept their eyes fixed on one another. 

"I love you too Dean." Cas whispered and Dean felt the world around him disintegrate. When it pulled back into focus he realised he was standing once more in the parking lot of the motel, back in Oklahoma surrounded by the freezing winter air. 

"So what happens now?" Dean let go of Cas' hand so that he could wipe the tears from his eyes. "You still have a few hours right?" 

"I have until midnight." Cas bowed his head. 

"Me and Sam will drive you okay?" 

Cas started to argue but Dean shook his head, not about to take no for an answer. It was the last time he was ever going to see Cas and he wasn't about to let him walk into the sunset on his own. Dean unlocked the motel room door and stepped inside. It was nine pm, he had three hours to get to one of the portals so that Cas could go home. Dean realised how wrong that sounded, his home wasn't up there with those douche bags. It was down here on Earth with him and Sammy and Claire. They were family for Christ sake. 

"Sammy...hey Sam get up." Dean kicked the end of his brother's bed. 

"Hey you're back." Sam sat up and pulled on a shirt from the table beside him. "Hey Cas." He smiled at the angel and got to his feet. 

"We gotta drive Cas to his portal." Dean was glad of the darkness in the room, God forbid his brother saw him cry. 

"Sure, where we headed Cas?"

"The closest is Wichita." Cas said sadly. 

"So back to Kansas...home sweet home." Dean said, turning his back on both Sam and Cas so he could go and wait in the car. 

Once he made it to the Impala he slammed his fists into the steering wheel over and over until he was sure he'd broken at least several bones in each hand. Every part of Dean felt like it was on fire and he wanted more than anything to be back under those fireworks, hand in hand with Cas. 

"All ready Dean?" Sam stuck his head through the passenger seat window as Cas began to climb into the back. 

"The angel rides shotgun." Dean said, not taking his eyes off of the empty lot in front of him. 

***

A little over two hours later the boys arrived in Wichita. They pulled up outside an empty church on the edge of town and Dean turned off the engine. Silence fell once more inside the car and Dean was beginning to feel uncomfortable. 

"I suppose we better go." Cas said, opening his door and getting out. Dean made no attempt to stop him, there was little point putting off the inevitable. 

Sam and Dean followed Cas along a gravel path and up to the front of the church. Dean recognised it from his drives through Kansas as a kid, back when his parents were alive and Sammy was just a baby. It only made the lump in his throat grow larger and he was sure it was going to suffocate him. 

"Once I step through those doors," Cas began, "that's goodbye." He turned to Sam and half smiled. 

"I'm gonna miss you Cas." Sam said, pulling the angel into a tight embrace. 

"I'll miss you too Sam." Cas held on just a little too long and Sam blinked in an effort to stop himself from crying. 

"Do you mind if I have a moment alone with Dean?" Cas asked, turning to face the older brother. 

"Sure, you guys go ahead. I'll be in the car." Sam nodded at Dean and then looked one last time at Cas. "We'll miss you buddy....say hi to Bobby for me okay? You look after everyone up there." 

"Of course. They'll be well taken care of." Cas smiled. 

Sam walked away and didn't look back. He was thinking of all the things he was going to miss; Cas' confusion when they sat down to watch Game of Thrones, his disgust at Dean's antique porn littering the tables in the bunker, his ability to appear behind Dean and scare the crap out of him. Cas had been an incredible friend to Sam but it wasn't just that that made Sam want to cry. It was how much this was going to tear his brother apart, he didn't want to watch Dean go through that again. Each time they'd lost Cas he'd always come back and Dean had never given up that hope but this time there was no hope. 

Cas and Dean stood in silence, staring at each other, until Sam was back inside the Impala. Dean made the first move; stepping towards Cas and pulling him into a hug. It reminded him of the reunion in purgatory except this time he was losing Cas instead of finding him. 

"I'm gonna miss you." Dean muttered into Cas' hair.

"I'm going to miss you too Dean...so much." Cas buried his head in the hunter's chest and softly wept. He wasn't crying for himself; he was crying for Dean and the uncertainty of what his life was going to hold once Cas had returned to heaven. 

"I want to thank you for everything." Dean said, eventually untangling himself from Cas and facing him once more. "I wouldn't be here without you. You made me realise that I just have to keep fighting. No matter what happens or who I lose along the way...just gotta always keep on going." Dean had to tear his eyes away from the man he loved. "I just never ever dreamed I'd be losing you." 

"Goodbye's aren't always the end Dean..." Cas began

"But this time it really is goodbye Cas. I'm not ready, there's so much I want to say, places I want you to see." Dean was sobbing now, his entire body was shaking and he felt sure that his knees were going to give out beneath him. "I can't take any more goodbye's. I hate endings. I never want an ending to us." 

"Dean..." Cas took his chin softly in his hand and lifted it up so that they were eye to eye. "There always had to be an end. It's not fair and I don't want to leave you but it's the only way to give you a shot at a normal life." Cas wiped a tear away from Dean's cheek. "I hope you find a love that lasts a lifetime, your lifetime. I hope you find a love that makes you feel like you could live forever but at the same time makes you okay with growing old, because you know you won't be doing it alone." 

"I don't want that. I want you." Dean could barely breathe and crying had become painful. 

Above them a bell started to toll. It was time for Cas to go. 

"I have to go..."

"I know."

"I love you Dean."

"I love you too Cas."

Cas softly kissed Dean's face, so softly that Dean wasn't sure it had happened at all. He closed his eyes and kissed Cas back with everything that he had left to give. As they kissed each told the other how much they loved them and Dean held on tighter and tighter to Cas. Soon he felt nothing but empty space between his fingers and when he opened his eyes he saw that Cas was gone. 

"I'll miss you." He whispered into the darkness, before dropping to his knees and letting the last of his tears fall.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam had tried, and rather spectacularly failed, to talk Dean out of driving. Dean insisted that he needed to behind the wheel, that if he wasn't he'd be useless. 

"Okay." Sam wasn't ready to fight, and he knew full well Dean was just looking for an argument so that he had a reason to let out his anger and frustration. "But we're going back to the bunker. It's only three hours away we'll be there in no time."

"Sure." Dean said, still refusing to look at his brother. 

"Are you sure you don't want to ta-"

Dean turned on the radio. No he didn't want to talk, of course he didn't. He wanted to turn up the music so loudly that he couldn't hear Cas' voice in his head. He wanted to drive until he ran out of road. He wanted Cas back. 

_I'm alone  
Yeah, I don't know if I can face the night _

Dean tapped his hands on the steering wheel as the sounds of Aerosmith filled the car. 

_I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you  
I want your love - Let's break the walls between us _

"Dean...maybe you should turn it off." Sam yelled, knowing he was going to get nowhere but figuring it was worth a try. 

"Don't make it tough - I'll put away my pride. Enough's enough I've suffered and I've seen the light" Dean turned up the radio and started to sing along. He should have turned it off, that song was the last thing he needed to hear right now, but he couldn't bear to drive in silence. 

_Baby_  
_You're my Angel_  
_Come and save me tonight_

He stopped singing and looked across at Sam who was looking straight back; he had been crying again, that much was obvious. Dean turned off the radio but neither boy spoke to each other for the rest of their journey home. They wouldn't have known what to talk about. Sam was feeling like he should try to talk to his brother but Dean wasn't interested in conversation. He wanted to get back to his room and stay there. He'd look for jobs, listen to music, catch up on TV shows...just enjoy his life now that the war was over. Why the hell not. He had nothing else left. 

*****

Dean kicked his shoes off at the top of the stairs and went straight to his room, not stopping to see if Sam was behind him. He dumped his duffel on the floor and got undressed; balling up his shirt and throwing it across the room before sitting on his bed and staring at the empty space beside him. Dean sighed and reached for his headphones. He put them into his phone, clicked shuffle on his music and closed his eyes. There was no telling how long he planned on staying in that room, but in his mind nothing and no one could convince him that there was a good enough reason to come out. 

_You taught me the courage of stars before you left  
How light carries on endlessly even after Death _

Dean tried desperately not to cry. Cas had always loved this song, ever since he first heard it in a record store when they made a 'supply run' just outside Lebanon. He had spent hours searching the internet for it and once he found it he downloaded it onto Dean's phone. It was a song that Dean would play on repeat when Cas was around and they should have been working. The moment he found out that it was called Saturn he spent hours telling Dean all about the planet and retelling stories of the Angels in heaven marvelling at the beauty of the ringed planet. 

_"It was always my favourite. I remember the day it was discovered by humanity." Cas had smiled to himself at the memory. "You were all so amazed by the rings, coming up with a million different theories to explain why they were there."_

Dean shook his head in a desperate attempt to stop thinking about Cas; his smile, his deep blue eyes, his ever back to front tie, the heat of his kiss, how it felt to have his head resting softly upon his shoulder. 

_With shortness of breath you explained the infinite  
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist_

There was a knock at the bedroom door but Dean ignored it. Sam should have known better than to disturb his brother now. 

_"It's a miracle." Cas spoke softly._

_"What is?" Dean had asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee._

_"Life. How you all find ways to persevere despite the odds. The odds of you even being born are so small. Even in your case Dean. Your parents were supposed to be together but they could have had any child. They just so happened to have you and Sam." Cas looked up and Dean and smiled. "It's wonderful isn't it?"  
At the memory Dean rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in the stack of pillows. Nothing was stopping them; they were coming thick and fast. Vivid, brightly coloured flashbacks of all the times they had spent together. _

_I'd give anything to hear_  
_You say it one more time_   
_That the universe was made_  
_To be seen by my eyes_

Dean tore his headphones off and threw them to the end of the bed before getting to his feet and punching the wall. He didn't stop, even when Sam came bursting in and tried to pull him away. 

"LET ME GO." Dean roared, struggling desperately to break free from Sam.

"You need to calm down Dean you're going to hurt yourself." He refused to let go of his brother. 

"STOP. LET ME GO. SAM LET ME GO PLEASE LET M-" The hunter stopped fighting and fell limply in Sam's arms. "I can't do it Sammy." Dean's voice cracked. 

"You just need time." Sam tried his best to comfort his brother, gently guiding him so that he could sit back on the bed. "It's not easy, no one said it would be easy."

"I miss him Sammy."

"I know."

"How did you do it?" 

The question confused Sam.

"Do what Dean?"

"After...you know..you lost Jess" 

Seeing the tear stained face of his brother looking up at him made Sam wince, he couldn't bear to see such hurt. 

"Well..." Sam stopped to think for a few moments. If he was telling the truth, there wasn't really any coping or moving on from Jess' death. Just getting by day to day but that really wasn't what Dean needed. For once he needed and wanted to be lied to, knowing in his heart of hearts that he was never going to recover from losing Cas. "Time I guess. Spending time with you and working. The only way I could cope with losing Jess was to throw myself into work."

"Oh yeah 'cause there's so much of that around these days." Dean sighed and buried his head in his hands. 

"We'll find something, we always find a way Dean."

"Yeah, well, finding something can wait until tomorrow."

"I'll be upstairs if you need me okay?"

"Yeah."

"Night Dean."

"Goodnight Sammy."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - This is a quick update and filler chapter whilst I work on a longer, better written chapter. So the boys are heading to California and the next time we'll see them after this is once they've reached Palo Alto. I've had a crazy busy few weeks with moving back to university and starting classes, as well as getting a job, so this fic has sort of taken a back seat. But I'm back now and I promise to update regularly - LJ

Dean woke up in a hot sweat. As he sat up he realised where he was and that the nightmare he'd just experienced was in fact a terrifying reality. Cas was still gone, he was still alone and didn't even have the prospect of a hunt to look forward to so that he would be able to distract himself. Looking at his watch Dean realised it was 10am; he'd been out for around five hours which was more than enough. 

After slipping on a jacket Dean made his way out of his room and up the stairs to find his brother and a cup of coffee. Despite the nightmares and how tired he still was, Dean was starting to feel a little less like a broken shell of a human being. At least that's what he was going to try and show Sam. 

"Hey you're up!" Sam smiled as he looked up from his laptop screen. "Feeling rested?"

"Not really." Dean muttered, sitting down and pouring himself coffee from the pot Sam had left on the table. "How did you sleep?"

"Like a log, then I went for a run and picked up some supplies. I put a call in to some hunters out in Texas to keep them updated. Drove into Lawrence and went for some drinks. I've had a surprisingly busy few days."

"Wait...what do you mean few days?" Dean frowned into his coffee. 

"Dude you've been down there for nearly a week." Sam leant back in his chair and took a long hard look at his big brother. 

"No...I haven't. We got in about four, I crashed out at five and now I'm here." Dean was visibly distressed. 

"Dean calm down it's okay. You just slept in longer than you thought you did. I just assumed you were staying down there because you didn't want to talk. I knocked a few times but you didn't answer me. I'm just glad to see you out of there." Sam smiled.

"Yeah..sure." Dean was starting to think he may need something a little stronger than coffee but he hadn't touched booze in nearly three months. Cas had been so proud of him.

"So what do you want to do today?" Asked Sam. He was so pleased to see Dean he didn't care what they did. 

"I dunno man. I was just gonna stay here, drink coffee, punch stuff." 

"Come on Dean, we're free men now. We can do anything. So, where shall we go?" 

"Can we just go for a drive. There's nowhere I want to be."

*******

The boys drove for hours; Dean at the wheel and Sam by his side. For a change the music wasn't playing and an awkward silence descended upon the Impala. Sam was on his phone searching for anywhere they could go to get away from Kansas for a few days but it was clear that Dean wasn't even remotely interested in doing anything other than driving. In fact, it was the first time in years that he wished his brother wasn't with him. Having Sammy there meant he couldn't think straight, he was stopping Dean from thinking about Cas. Now in reality Dean knew that he meant well and a distraction was probably what he needed, he couldn't stay like this forever; he needed to move on with his life. 

"Why don't we drive to California?" Sam eventually built up enough courage to ask. 

"Because there's nothing there." Dean snapped. 

"I still have friends there from college, we haven't been back since I left and I dunno I thought it'd be nice to see the place again." 

"Fine." Dean slammed on the brakes and span the car around. "Cali it is."

Sam decided it would be best not to comment on his brother's ridiculously dangerous (even by his standards) driving. 

"Where were you even planning on driving to Dean?" 

"South Dakota. I have friends too you know." 

"Well we can go ther-"

"No. I'm taking you to Palo Alto then I'm going to Sioux Falls." Dean still hadn't looked at his brother 

"It's almost a twenty four hour drive to California that's ridiculous. Just stay with us. We don't have anywhere else to go or anything else to do. We could move there." Sam said hopefully and all of a sudden Dean felt like he was in 2005 again; where his brother was just a kid and nothing was wrong. 

"Look, I'll stay in California until you get stuff sorted. I'll visit my friends and then come back."

Once again the silence fell, the deafening silence that scared Sam half to death. He knew once his brother left California, he was never going to come back and that put more fear into Sam than any supernatural creature ever could.


	7. Chapter 7

The Impala pulled into the parking lot of the Country Inn Motel just after five that evening and Sam immediately climbed out and slammed the door. He had arranged to meet some girl called Allison, that Dean had never heard him mention before. He let his brother run across the lot to hug her and lit a cigarette. Hanging his arm out of the window Dean thought about staying in California. 

_Maybe Sammy's right_ he thought to himself, _I could settle down here, find a job and a house, maybe even get married and have a couple kids_

Dean shook the thought from his head. He decided to talk about it with Sam later, once he'd had a chance to be a normal guy. It had taken them twenty four hours to get to Palo Alto and Sam had slept most of the way whilst his brother drove, nonstop, for the full 1800 miles. The exhaustion was starting to take its toll and Dean knew he'd have to get inside and check into a room or risk passing out in his car. 

"Single room please." Dean said, leaning on the counter as the guy handed over his keys. 

"How long will you be staying?" The man asked. Dean took a few moments to reply because he couldn't stop staring. This guy looked kinda like Cas; he had the same dark hair and blue eyes, his head tilted to one side as he spoke. 

"Er...just tonight thanks." Dean replied, clearing his throat and running his hands through his hair. 

"You can pay when you check out, and if you need someone to show you around while you're here this is my number." The guy slid a card over the desk and winked at Dean. 

He politely thanked the stranger and walked out of reception, unsure how to feel at the obvious flirtation. It didn't exactly make him uncomfortable; he was used to it. Well, from girls anyway. Cas had been the first guy he had really had feelings for so another man expressing a desire to spend time with him was totally alien to Dean. He slipped the number into his pocket after turning it over in his hands a few times. 

_I'll call him later. I really could use a tour guide_ Dean thought to himself. 

"I don't think you've met my brother." Sam said as Dean approached him and Alison. "This is Dean." He smiled. 

"I've heard a lot about you!" Alison beamed and extended her hand. 

"Likewise." Dean said, shaking it and managing a half smile.

"Do you want to come out with us? We're going to check out the Visual Arts centre, Alison works there now. Then we're thinking of going to the mall and grabbing some food, you in?" Sam seemed so keen to include his brother that it almost broke Dean's heart. 

"Nah don't worry about me, you guys go and have fun I think I'll just hang around here today." 

"Oh okay, well you have my number if you change your mind. I'll catch up with you tomorrow yeah?"

Dean nodded. 

"Lovely to meet you Dean!" Alison smiled again before linking her arm through Sam's and steering him in the direction of her car. 

 

*************

Dean had driven to the nearest grocery store and picked up more menthols and a couple bottles of beer. He climbed back inside the car, lit a smoke and drummed his hands on the steering wheel. He pulled out his phone and decided to text the guy from the motel. Why not, he thought to himself, nothing to lose right? 

**Still up for showing this old country boy around? What time do you get off - Dean**

He clicked send before he could think better of it and almost as soon as he'd put his phone on the seat next to him it went off. 

**Of course, always ready and willing to help. Finish at 10, meet me at El Camino it's two minutes down the road. Pretty much a dive but I know the owner, drinks on me - Matt**

Dean smiled at the screen, a dive bar was exactly what he needed. Cheap beer, pool and company; nothing screamed Dean Winchester more than those things. 

**Wouldn't dream of it. I'll get the rounds in. See you at 10. - D**

He put the phone on the passenger seat and finished his cigarette. He had a couple of hours until he needed to be at the bar but absolutely no idea how to fill that time. California was not at all what he expected; he kinda liked it and was beginning to wonder why he'd never been before. Sam had been here for ages and not once had either Dean or his Dad bothered to make the drive. He felt a pang of guilt but decided to bury it, he was here now and that was all that mattered. Sammy was happy catching up with his old friends and Dean had a date. Life was just starting to get back to normal. 

**********

Dean pulled into the parking lot of the bar and checked his hair in the mirror. He nodded in satisfaction and pulled out his phone. He was ten minutes early so, out of nerves, lit a cigarette and climbed out of the car. He started to think about this guy, Matt, and what he'd be like. He looked around mid thirties, roughly the same age as Dean, and seemed like a sweet guy. He worked in a motel which obviously wasn't gonna be an issue. Dean was the last person to judge a guy's profession. He had a dark hair and blue eyes...Great Dean thought, I'm new to this whole dating guys thing but already I have a type. 

Fifteen minutes and two cigarettes later, Matt appeared in the doorway to the bar. He'd clearly walked from work and looked a little stressed out. Dean slowly made his way over and flashed his trademark grin.

"Evening." He said, pushing open the door and gesturing for his date to go through. 

"Hey, sorry I'm late I had some things to sort out with my Sister." He smiled and lead Dean through the bar to a booth in the corner. "A round over here Ben." He called to the bartender before looking back at Dean.

"No worries. So you've got a sister?"

"Yeah, few years older than me. She runs the motel, I'm just taking some time off my usual job whilst she's on maternity leave." He slipped off his jacket but still didn't take his eyes off of Dean.  
"Oh right, so what is it that you do normally?" 

"I'm a high school teacher, Religious studies mostly but I also coach baseball." 

Oh dear God Dean well done you sure know how to aim out of your league.

The drinks arrived on the table and both men immediately reached for the bottles of beer. Dean took a long swig before replying.

"That's awesome, I wish I could do something like that." He sighed, genuinely meaning it. 

"Well what do you do that isn't as exciting as working in a high school?" Matt asked sarcastically. 

"I've actually just left one job, I've been there most of my life....sort of a family hunting business." Dean shifted uncomfortably, still having a hard time coming to terms with this new reality in which he was essentially unemployed.

"See, I always wish I could have done something like that. Don't get me wrong I love my job but being stuck in a classroom all day in Northern California isn't exactly a dream come true." 

"Hey, I guarantee it's better than driving across the country and spending damn near half your life in the back of a car! Not that I'm moaning I loved my job but it didn't exactly pay well." 

"I can imagine! Not that I'm uninterested but can we not talk about work?" Matt asked, half smiling at Dean.

"Sorry, just seems like it's all I'm any good at talking about." 

"There's definitely more to you than that. For a start, what's your surname? Always a good thing to know about a person!"

"Winchester, Dean Winchester." He said holding out his hand. Matt shook it and couldn't help but laugh. 

"Burroughs, Matt Burroughs." Came the reply. 

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you!" Dean laughed, properly laughed, and Matt could feel attraction starting to form between the two men.

"Likewise! So I've told you about my sister and part time running a motel, anything interesting you want to share?"

"Well I have a younger brother, Sam, he went to college at Stanford for a while before coming to work with me and my Dad. He's a good kid." Dean beamed, as he always did when telling other people about his kid brother.

"Oh very nice! My parents are both lecturers at Stanford, we're pretty local to Palo Alto, I've been here my whole life. Where are you guys from?"

"Lawrence, Kansas." Dean said proudly. "I lived there until I was four then we sort of went on the road." He could feel tears starting to form which was ridiculous, it had been three decades since he left Lawrence and in all that time he hadn't cried about it.

"Wow, I've never been. To be honest I've never left California. What do your parents do?" Matt took another swig of beer and sat back, becoming rapidly more comfortable with the man in front of him.

"Well my Mum passed away when I was four. That's kinda why we left Lawrence. My Dad died about ten years ago now." Dean also picked up his beer and blinked back the tears.  
"I'm sorry, I can't imagine how that feels..." Matt put down his beer bottle and decided to thought about changing the subject but before he could get the words out, Dean beat him to it.

"So you've never left California? How come?" Dean was finding it hard to believe that someone could want to stay in the same place for their whole life. As appealing as the whole idea of settling down would be now, to someone who'd never had a home, why would a free man not want to see the world?

"There always seemed to be something stopping me. I finished college and got a job straight away at Gunn. I was gonna go travelling around the East Coast with my ex but he passed away a few years ago so I just decided to stay put." Matt wiped a tear from his eye and Dean couldn't help but relate to the guy. 

"I know the feeling....a couple weeks ago I lost an ex of mine. We hadn't really been dating but it hurt none the less...." Dean felt the pain in his chest start up again, as it did every time he thought about Cas.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Seems like we both needed this drink then!" Matt laughed and realised this had been the first date he'd had since his boyfriend died. 

"Well....seeing as you've never been out of state and I have a car out front...do you fancy taking a drive? I know it's kinda forward so no pressure. Just figured it'd be a great chance for you to get out of town for a while."

"You know what...that sounds perfect." Matt smiled and finished his beer. 

"I'll pay for the drinks and call my brother. I'll be about five minutes?" Dean walked over to the bar, feeling nervous and excited at the prospect of getting away. 

***********  
"Woah this is your car?!" Matt's jaw dropped and Dean couldn't help but grin with pride. 

"Yup, '67 Impala. It was my Dad's but he left it to me. This baby is my pride and joy."

"I don't even drive and I'm jealous." He couldn't stop smiling at the car.

"Climb on in and you can see what she can do." Dean smirked and got in. "I should also tell you, I have a drill about the driver picking the music but seeing as you're such a fan of the car why don't you pick something?"

"Er...I don't know. I don't want to find out we have totally different music tastes right from the off..." 

"Well you go ahead and name a band and I'll tell you what I think."

"Got any Zeppelin? " Matt asked. 

"Well dude, you and me are gonna get along just fine."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on coming round to something bigger and better happening. This chapter is kinda all over the place but hints at things to come...hopefully y'all like it

The two guys talked and talked as Dean drove them out of California and into Arizona. They'd been on the road for ten hours when Dean realised they'd reached Kaibab National Forest; a place he'd been once as a kid before Sammy was born. It was 8am and the sun was just rising over Arizona. He was starting to feel tired but Matt looked wide awake and alert, he'd spent the entire drive staring out of the window and asking Dean questions about all the places he'd visited. 

"Let's stop here for a bit, seems like a perfect place to watch the sunset and then grab some breakfast. I've got a blanket and some food in the trunk if you want a picnic?" Dean asked, turning off the stereo and checking his phone. Sam had replied the night before saying he was having a brilliant time and, judging by the spelling mistakes, he'd had a few too many and probably wouldn't even remember that Dean had left the state. 

"Awesome." Matt replied, climbing out of the car, eager to put his feet on the ground of a whole new state. "It's beautiful here." 

"Yeah it is, I've been here before but not for a long time." Dean yawned. 

"Tell you what, we'll have a picnic and then find a place to crash? You look so tired...I'm sorry for making you drive all night."

"Don't worry about it, believe me I'm more than used to it by now." Dean smiled and pulled the duffel of food and a blanket out of the trunk, careful not to reveal the hidden compartment of weapons to a civilian. 

 

They set up camp on top of a ridge overlooking the mountains and tucked into a selection of chips and chocolate that Dean had picked up at the grocery store before his date. 

"Can I ask you something?" Matt said, swallowing a mouthful of Hershey's. 

"Shoot."

"You've mentioned one ex....are there many others?" 

"Not really. I haven't really had much of a chance to date because of work and stuff. There was a girl once...but that was a few years back now and nothing really came of it." Dean sighed, remembering leaving Lisa in Oklahoma. "What about you?"

"Nah, just the one I mentioned. My work's the same; definitely doesn't lend itself to relationships." Matt smiled and lay back on the blanket. 

"It sucks but it is what it is." Dean said, taking a deep breath. "Do you fancy crashing in the Impala? Just so we get a few hours shut eye before I carry on driving again."

"Sure, seems as good a place as any." Matt smiled. 

The two men finished their food in comfortable silence before packing up and heading back to baby.

**********

"This is one hell of a view." Matt said, smiling at Dean.

"It's really something around here."

"I didn't mean the mountains..." He said, rolling closer to Dean who was laying on the back seat beside him.

"Neither did I...." Dean trailed off. Unable to take his eyes off of the man next to him. He could feel his palms beginning to sweat and his heart was racing. He knew what was coming next but he was terrified...this would be a definite first. 

Matt inched slightly closer to Dean so that they were nose to nose before very gently leaning over and kissing him. Dean kissed him back with such force that he surprised even himself. Soon enough they were completely entwined and removing each other's clothes. 

_What are you doing Dean?_

Dean jumped at the voice but his date hadn't reacted. 

_Dean stop._

He tried desperately to ignore the voice and focus on Matt. 

_DEAN STOP PLEASE_

"Maybe we should slow down.." Dean said, sitting up and reaching for his shirt. 

"But I thought.." Matt looked up at Dean.

"You won't believe me when I say this, but it's not you....it's me. " He pulled the shirt over his head and stepped out of the car. 

"No...I believe you. You seem a little off, anything I can do?" 

"Honestly? Right now it's probably better if I just take a walk by myself. Get some sleep I'll be back soon." Dean lit up a cigarette and disappeared across the track. 

***********

He had been walking for about fifteen minutes when the voice started again.

_Dean. Why did you do that?_

It sounded so much like Cas that he started to believe he was going insane. He tried desperately to convince himself that it was his conscience, telling him that he should be on his own for a while and not shacking up with strangers. 

_DEAN ANSWER ME._

"Oh shut up shut up you're not real." Dean violently shook his head and tried to keep walking. 

_DEAN PLEASE_

"Stop thinking about it, it'll go away. Walk it off." He told himself, pressing on across the park. 

_I'M NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL YOU ANSWER ME DEAN PLEASE_

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Dean roared, dropping to his knees.

_Why won't you answer me, I miss you._

"Why are you doing this to me? Why can't I just be happy?" Dean ran his hands through his hair and tried to get to his feet. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" He roared, finding that he was unable to stand up. 

"You're supposed to be okay." 

Dean looked up and saw Cas standing in front of him. He tugged at his hair and kept whispering 'no' over and over again. 

"You're not real. You left me, you went back to heaven...I thought I was never going to see you again." Dean sobbed into the mud. 

"I had to go Dean. I can still communicate with you, I just thought it might be best if I didn't make it worse." Cas said, frowning and bending down to face Dean. 

"So you're not really here...."

"No...I'm just an apparition. You can't touch me...but you can speak to me and I can speak back. Dean I'm sorry." Cas reached out as if to touch Dean's shoulder, before realising he was never going to be able to. 

"Then you should have stayed gone. Let me have my meaningless sex, you never stopped me before. Why can't I just carry on Cas?" Dean tried desperately not to look at Cas, knowing that if he saw those eyes he'd break all over again.

"I'm sorry, I panicked. It's far too soon to see you with someone else."

"Yeah well you don't get much of a choice now do you. So piss off back to Heaven and let me do my thing. I'm gonna be fine if you stop interfering." Suddenly Dean had found his strength. He got to his feet and squared up to the angel. 

"You...you want me to leave?" Cas' lip quivered. 

"That's right. I want you to go. No more voices in my head, no more appearing in the middle of parks, no more anything, you got that? I don't want to see you again Cas." 

"I'm trying to help, I thought this was what you wanted." Cas said, tears forming in his eyes as he took a step closer to Dean.

"Once again, you thought wrong. You wanted me to go live a normal life? Fine. Let me do that then. Don't come back Cas." Dean spat. His entire body shaking with rage. 

"But I love you Dean, I ju-"

"CAS GO." Dean screamed before closing his eyes and again running his hands through his hair. 

When he next opened his eyes, the angel was gone, and he was once again alone in the field. He marched back to the Impala without another thought about Cas. He climbed into the driver's side and woke Matt up. 

"What's going on?" He asked, rubbing his eyes and sitting up in the back seat. 

"We're leaving. California?"


	9. Chapter 9

Dean drove with the stereo on full as Matt sat by his side in silence. Neither man daring to speak; not even to sing along to the music. The entire situation was making Matt uncomfortable but Dean kept his eyes focused firmly on the road, his hands gripping ten and two on the steering wheel. He was fighting desperately to think about anything but Cas. He tried to tell himself that it had all just been a vivid hallucination and that it was just grief. Even so, Dean had wanted so desperately to believe that he had spoken to Cas. Finally he managed to push the thought to the back of his mind and focus on getting back to California. 

"Dean...can we talk for a minute?" Matt eventually built up the courage to ask. 

"Go ahead." Dean replied, relaxing slightly. 

"This all seems really sudden. I know that you wanted to get away for a while, I understand that believe me. So why are we going back to California? Have I done something wrong?" His voice cracked, the poor guy unable to wrap his head around the events of the last few hours. 

"Do you want the truth? Just keep in mind that if you say yes...you're going to think I'm crazy." Dean, for the first time since they had left, took his eyes off to road to look at Matt.

"I'd rather you were just honest with me Dean. I promise I'll believe every word, I definitely don't think you're a liar." 

So Dean proceeded to recount the past ten years to Matt; everything from losing his Dad and chasing a demon to going to hell and falling in love with an angel. He talked about the war in heaven and becoming a demon. Then there was Sam losing his soul and being possessed by the devil, the months in purgatory, killing Cain and losing Bobby. Matt listened intently, nodding in silent acknowledgement. Not once did he scoff or interrupt the hunter, he just sat and took it all in. 

"So that's my life. I know you're going to think I'm completely insane but I promise you every word is true." Dean sighed and turned back to the road. 

"So...the Sam and Dean in the Supernatural books....that's you and your brother?" Matt said at last. 

"Oh crap don't tell me you've read those?" Dean laughed to himself. 

"Yeah, my class started bringing them in a few years ago and I was curious. I can't believe that's you..and it's all real...wow." He sat back in his seat and smiled. "I'm actually pretty relieved to tell you the truth." 

"Well, that's good to hear. I'm sorry I freaked out on you, it's still kind of a messy situation. It really hasn't been all that long since Cas left and I guess I'm getting used to life without him."

"Do you mind if I say something about Cas? I don't want to talk about him if it's going to upset you..."

"No please, go ahead." Dean felt his body tense as he waited for Matt's reply. He was still getting over the fact that he had been on a date with someone who knew pretty much his whole life story, and not the fake one he told girls in bars. 

"I'm happy you told each other how you felt. I know the books never mentioned it and they ended long before you two ever became a thing but....I always felt like Dean was in love with Castiel."

Dean couldn't help himself, he burst out laughing. He laughed until his stomach hurt and tears were streaming down his cheeks. 

"You and me both, believe me, you and me both."

*************

After a long drive spent talking about Sam and Cas and Dean's life before hunting, they pulled back into the motel car park in Palo Alto. Dean turned off the engine and looked over at Matt. 

"I'm sorry I cut our trip short. I guess now at least you understand why." Dean said, sighing. 

"I understand and it's okay. I'm just glad you're not mad at me and I didn't do anything wrong." Matt smiled and reached out for Dean's hand. "Maybe you could at least stay in California for a while? Try and get a job and make a go of things. Then if it doesn't work out I'll say at least we tried and then you can move on." 

"You know what, I've thought long and hard about it and decided that you're right. Sammy likes it here and at least as long as he's happy I'll try and get used to things around here." He smiled and took hold of Matt's hand. "I'll try my best." 

"That's all you can do." Matt smiled as he leant over and pressed a kiss against Dean's cheeks. 

Dean's phone started ringing before he could reply. 

"Hey Sammy."

"Hi Dean, where have you been?" Sam asked, not sounding angry just slightly concerned.

"Just went for a drive. I made a friend and now we're back at the motel. Where are you?"

"I've been crashing at Alison's, we're just driving to San Francisco and I was gonna ask if you wanted to drive out and meet us?" Sam sounded happier than Dean had ever heard him and he couldn't help but smile at the knowledge that his little brother was okay. 

"Sure, mind if I bring Matt?" Dean asked. He had thought about not mentioning his sort of date but then decided that he wanted the guy to stick around. 

"Of course, the more the merrier!" Sam laughed. "You guys drive up in the morning and we'll meet you at Alison's brother's place. I'll text you an address." 

After a brief goodbye Dean hung up the phone and climbed out of the car, Matt quickly followed. 

"What's the plan then?" He asked, smiling softly at Dean.

"Well we're gonna crash here tonight and then Sam wants us to drive to San Francisco in the morning. Something about staying at his friend's brother's house. You're welcome to come, if you want to that is." 

"I'd love to." Matt beamed from ear to ear, happy to be included. "Let's get a room then, about time you got some rest I'd say." 

Because Matt worked at the motel he got them a free room. They were sharing a bed but that was just fine, the two men felt more than comfortable with each other and to be honest all Dean wanted was a good night's sleep. 

Dean got undressed first and immediately crawled in to bed whilst Matt was cleaning up in the bathroom. The instant his head hit the pillow he felt wide awake. He silently cursed the coffee he'd had in the hotel bar and sat up. 

"Everything okay?" Matt asked as he emerged from the bathroom. 

"Yeah, just wide awake now." Dean said, sighing. "It's only eleven though so maybe I'll crash out in a couple hours." 

"Oh definitely, you've had a long day. Sleep will catch up with you eventually." Matt climbed into the bed beside him and flicked out the light. He buried himself under the duvet. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Shoot." Dean said, rolling on to his side and facing Matt; he could just make out the outline of his face in the half light. 

"If you stay in California...do you think we could, y'know, try and make things work between us?" 

Dean stayed silent for a moment as he thought about that. Part of him was sceptical because when had he ever had a functional and lasting relationship? But the rest of him was thinking about what he said to Cas, about moving on and making a future for himself. There was no real reason to say no, he liked the guy and they had been getting on just fine until Cas had shown up. 

"I don't see why not." Dean said. "There's nothing stopping us. But you'd be the only thing keeping me in California. Sammy has his friends and this new life. If you want this to work I'll stay." He smiled before realising that Matt wouldn't be able to see. 

"I want you to be happy, after everything you've been through. But there is something I want to say..." Matt cleared his throat. "If Cas ever comes back, for good, and you want to be with him you just go. Don't worry about hurting me or feeling like you're running away. There's always going to be something there between you two, I get it."

Dean kissed Matt before he could finish mumbling. He kissed him long and hard, more to reassure himself than anything else. It wasn't long before Dean could feel tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks; he had no idea why he was crying, everything in that moment was, for once, okay.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter...working on something big for the next two so stay tuned!

When Dean woke up it was as though he could see the world in much sharper focus than he'd ever been able to before. It was such a beautiful cliché; the sunlight streaming through the curtains, a beautiful boy asleep beside him and the knowledge that it was Sunday and now the war was over that actually meant something. He climbed out of the bed and decided that once he was dressed he would go for a walk. The neon numbers on the alarm clock beside the bed read 06:30. Dean smiled and knew he had a couple of hours until Matt woke up, that gave him plenty of time to find some breakfast.   
It was Dean's favourite kind of day; the sun was shining but there was a definite chill in the air. It was the first day of December and temperatures in California had already dropped to 12 degrees. He pulled his jacket tighter around him and lit a cigarette, realising he hadn't had one since Arizona. That felt like weeks ago but in reality it was just shy of 24 hours. Taking a long drag he walked to the back of the motel and sat by the pool. It may have been cold but it was such a beautiful day that Dean couldn't bear wasting it. As he was toying with the idea of going for a quick swim his phone rang. The number was blocked. 

"Dean Winchester." He said, breathing out a cloud of smoke.

"Hello Dean." 

He felt his heart sink. He knew that voice all too well and he could have sworn that he'd told it to piss off the day before. 

"Cas?" He managed to whisper as he felt his hands begin to tremble and heart race. All at once Dean realised he couldn't be angry. He had nothing left to give. 

"Before you get angry Dean you need to listen to me."

"Cas...we've been over this...please not today." Dean's voice cracked and his head was pounding. "Please."

"Dean is everything okay?" Matt's voice appeared from nowhere and Dean damn near dropped his phone in the pool. "It's freezing come back to bed."

"You're not alone." Cas' voice was barely a whisper. 

Dean took the phone away from his ear and took a deep breath. This was such a mess. He'd made Cas promise not to interfere anymore, he didn't even stop to wonder how it was possible that they could be on the phone in the first place. He just felt torn in two equally painful directions. 

"Matt just...give me a minute yeah? I've got some work to deal with I won't be a minute." 

The man knew instantly from Dean's expression that he should leave well alone. He nodded and made his way silently back inside without protest. 

"Cas...I'm sorry. You told me to move on with my life. I've met people, let Sammy get his life back...I just don't know what to say." 

"None of what I'm about to say matters if you can answer me one simple question." Cas spoke firmly, this wasn't an expression Dean had never heard him use before. There was a pause on the end of the line that Cas took as indication that he could carry on speaking. "Are you happy Dean?"

"Cas..."

"Just answer the question."

"I'm okay. I mean Sammy's doing well and the people here are nic-"

"That's not what I'm asking and you know it."

"Okay Cas. If you want the truth no I'm not happy. I haven't been since you left. I've missed you every single day and I just can't get you out of my head." 

"Then there's something you have to know." Cas seemed to hold his breath and Dean felt his body tense. 

"Yeah..."

That was when he felt it. The hand on his arm; matching up perfectly with the print still embedded there from all those years ago.

"I'm right here." Cas said, looking down at Dean. "And I won't ever leave you again."

"Cas? But how?" Dean stammered, getting to his feet and pulling the angel into a tight embrace. 

"I couldn't live my life in heaven. I've worked so hard to fit in here on Earth and I couldn't throw all that away. I made my choice. And as always, I chose you."


	11. Chapter 11

"I don't know what to say anymore Cas...I just..."

"Don't say anything." Cas looked Dean square in the eyes and smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes. "I came back for you. And for Sam. But things look like they're okay how they are." A single tear rolled down his cheek and Dean winced, it hurt him too much to see Cas like this. 

"Not everything is fine. Sure Sammy has his new life now and we got away from this god awful war but nothing's been right since you left man." Dean tore his eyes away from the angel. "Why did you leave? I know you said for me but what happened? You made a choice I don't understand."

"I spoke to God."

"You what?" Dean staggered backwards and luckily managed to catch the chair before he fell. "How?"

"He came looking for me. He told me I'd made the wrong choice. He told me that I was always supposed to choose you. I'm wired to ignore my command Dean. I was never supposed to go back there." Cas remained standing as he spoke but he never, not for a second, took his eyes off Dean.

"I thought...." Dean took a deep breath. "I thought heaven was what you wanted, I thought you wanted to be an angel like any other."

Dean looked up, tears now streaming down his cheeks although he had no real idea why he was crying. He kept trying to tell himself that this was right, this was what he had wanted. Ever since that day he met Castiel in the barn he had felt a dangerous connection. Dean feared getting too close; people in his general vicinity didn't have much in the way of a life span but Cas? Well. He was something else entirely. No matter how many times Dean had lied, let him down or hurt him, Cas always came back. And when he left, and Dean thought that the curtains had closed on his chances, no words can explain the searing agony that built its home in Dean's chest. He had felt lost without his angel to guide him. Sure he could pretend that Matt was enough and that living in suburbia was going to make him happy. But when it came down to it. Castiel was all he had ever wanted, all he had ever needed. 

"He's right Dean." A familiar voice snapped Dean out of his trance. He looked up at the friendly face and gasped. It was wise that he had chosen to sit before he fell down. 

"Chuck?" Dean spoke at last. "But...you died"

"And when has that ever stopped people in your life returning to you Dean?" Chuck laughed to himself. "However, I didn't exactly die. I just returned home."

"Dean are you okay?" Cas asked, frowning at the worrying shade of white that Dean was beginning to turn. 

"He's fine Castiel." Chuck smiled and looked down at Dean. "Aren't you Dean."

"You...you're God." 

"I am indeed." He beamed and seemed to light up the entire pool as he did so. "I'm sorry I took so long."

"So you just, left heaven? So what, now you're back to clean up my mess?" Dean had no idea where the strength was coming from to stand up to God. 

"As I have been failing to do for so very long." God smiled and took a seat. "But you see Dean, you could handle everything alone. You and your brother fought demons and vampires, leviathans and the darkness. But you....you never quite managed to tell Cas how you feel." He grinned and readjusted himself in the chair. "This has been a mission from the beginning of time Dean."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean asked, not angry as such, just scared.

"There's a reason it was Castiel who had to pull you from hell, who had to take on my roll and fight the leviathans. There was a reason he was instrumental in removing the mark from your arm and why I just kept returning him to you." Dean and Cas looked at each other nervously as God spoke. "From the dawn of time it had to be you two. The man afraid of flying, the angel afraid of falling. It's a tale as old as time." 

Cas shifted uncomfortably and Dean got to his feet. 

"So you're telling me that all of this crap that's happened over the last ten years...all the deaths and the war and the suffering...all of that to make an angel fall in love with me?" 

"Don't flatter yourself Dean. All of that was out of my hands. Things just happened. I just had to make sure that you two were together." God smiled. "Now boys, heaven is calling. Stay in touch."

"Wait don't you-" Before Dean could finish his sentence God had disappeared. "Can't say I'm surprised." He sighed as he took a few steps towards Cas. 

"I promise you Dean, I never knew." Cas looked up into the hunters eyes and realised that for the first time he saw something behind them. There was hope. It was small and just out of reach but it was there. 

"Honestly Cas, I don't care. I'm just glad this is over." He smiled and pulled Cas into a hug. 

"Me too." The angel wrapped his arms around Dean and breathed in the familiar scent of leather and coffee. He smiled to himself as he realised that meant Dean hadn't been drinking in a while. 

"There's just one thing I need you to do for me."

"Of course, anything."

*********************************

"I'd like to check out please." Dean said to the man behind the motel desk. 

"Of course, enjoy your stay?" He smiled as he took the room keys. 

"I did, thanks." Dean smiled. "You take care now."

"Safe drive."

Dean walked out of the motel with Cas' hand through his as they made their way to the Impala. 

"I felt horrible asking you to do that." Dean sighed as he pulled out a cigarette and leant against the car. "Those memories of Arizona...the happiness...how could I take it all away from Matt like that?" Dean bowed his head as he inhaled. 

"You didn't." Cas smiled. Dean raised his eyebrows and started to speak but Cas interrupted him. "I left the happiness, the laughter and the adventure. I just replaced the face. You're welcome." 

"Sometimes man...sometimes..."

"Sometimes what Dean?" Cas tilted his head to one side and frowned.

"Sometimes, I love you."


End file.
